Today I opened my email to read my daily devotions that come to me. It helps me get my day started. I get about 6-8 a day and they range in topics. Today's "Words of Encouragement" really hit home. At the end of the devotion it talked about the new online Bible study titled "Made to Crave" and I was immediately interested in this study.
I have been working on losing weight and eating right for months now (before New Years resolutions started). I lose a few pounds and then put a couple back on and I'm frustrated. I cannot break that 200lb barrier right now. I thought I was uncomfortable at 175 a couple of years ago. Going back to work added the pounds on because I started eating poorly and drank way too much soda. I think I am emotionally struggling with weight gain because I don't have the excuse of steroids this time.
In the past I have been put on steroids due to a serious health issue. I have SLE lupus. I was diagnosed at age 15 when my lupus attacked my brain/central nervous system. I had to re-learn everything all over again because my brain capacity fell to that of a 2 year old. The doctors didn't expect me to live 24 hours and when I did, they said I would be brain dead for the rest of my life. God had different plans for me. I'll be 34 years old this year. I have had other set backs like kidney failure due to my lupus in 2003 that resulted in 3 years of once a month chemo treatments...but no kidney transplant or dialysis...praise the Lord. Throughout these years, I have been given steroids, along with other medications, to keep my lupus under control. If you know anything about high doses of steroids, you know it brings on weight...no matter what you do to combat it. When I was 15 yrs old, I went from 85lbs (way too small for my height but we didn't know how sick I was at the time...the doctors thought I had anorexia) to 230+ pounds. In 2003, I underwent very intense steroid IV treatments and my weight went from 125lbs to 310+ pounds. Being in my 20's the second time around made it more difficult to lose the weight.
I was discouraged at 175lbs but my health was better and I attempted going back to work. Unfortunately my kidneys didn't want to cooperate and I had to resign from my job as a librarian (real bummer for me because I LOVED the work...I'm an avid reader and I review books for publishers as a volunteer). While I worked at the library, I ate poorly and I drank way too much soda to keep myself awake (I'm not a coffee drinker). Now that I'm in my 30's it is really hard to get the weight off and it is not steroid weight...it is poor eating habits weight.
I'm currently 203lbs and I would love to get under 200lbs again. (I know many others battle heavier weight and I don't want anyone to think I'm trivializing their weight battles...I tried to tell my whole story so people understand that I have been all over the spectrum of weight gain and I sympathize with you no matter what your weight is right now.) I have so many cute clothes that I can't wear because of my weight. I'm not looking to be skinny like I was at one time in my life...I just want to be comfortable again. This is where the peace part of this Bible study intrigues me. I want to feel that peace again and know that I'm comfortable in who I am. I also need some serious motivation. I know I struggle in that part of my life. I'm limited in the activity that I can do because of my health but I could be moving a lot more than I currently am, since my activity is getting off the couch to pick up my laptop. LOL! :)
I want to be a better me and I know this will make me happier and in turn make my hubby happier because I will be easier to live with on a daily basis. One of my dearest friends said to me, "When you critique yourself, ask yourself if that is something you would say to a friend. If it isn't, then it shouldn't be something you say to yourself because you're just as valuable as your friends are and you deserve just as much respect." This hit me hard. I want to be able to walk by the mirror on the way to the shower and not cringe at my size and my stretch marks (I have them from my arms to below my knees due to the quick steroid weight gain). My hope for this Bible study is to get some motivation and to get comfortable in my own skin. So here goes the journey...probably painful at times but I know I will end up better on the other side. :) I wish all of us success in this new adventure and I pray for encouragement for all of us.
Love, Jenny
